I Don't Have the Words to Speak
by Anna Yukihira
Summary: He's not the one. He knows that. But he can't tell Gold without leading them both on the road to misery and pain, so all he can do is lie between his teeth.


They're arguing again.

At least, Silver is. They say it takes two to tango, but not really, not if the other person is ignoring everything you say, so it's more like you're arguing with yourself. Silver is yelling at Gold, gesturing wildly with his hands, but Gold is responding with uncharacteristic patience. Silver is angry, his words are harsh, but Gold refuses to get riled up. He just smiles and smiles and accepts Silver's cruel insults as calmly as he would comments about the weather.

Gold's looking Silver right in the eye, and Silver feels uncomfortable. The molten amber has a way of piercing through all his defenses and making him feel like Gold can see his heart. He doesn't like that. He's spent too much of his life hiding away his emotions to be able to accept that.

"Just leave me alone," he snarls as viciously as he can, the frustration palpable in his voice. Gold came to check in on him and he knows he should be grateful for that, but Silver doesn't know how to deal with kindness.

"I can't."

"Why not?" he screams, because all he wants right now is some peace and quiet. Let his mind drown in oblivion so he doesn't have to feel the empty coldness of his broken soul.

"Because I love you."

And Silver's heart stops.

No. No, no, it can't be true; his ears are deluding him. Gold doesn't love him. Gold can't love him. This isn't the way the story works. He's the villain. The hero doesn't fall in love with the villain; he doesn't choose someone as irredeemably evil as him.

This isn't like that movie, _The Little Mermaid_, where even the girl who broke all the rules, who sold what might as well have been her soul to a devil-like woman, found love. This isn't like that at all. Love is something pure and beautiful and Silver's already been stained.

He loves Gold, he really does, but the feeling is overwhelming for him. He doesn't know how to deal with it like everyone else does; the Mask of Ice taught them that emotion was a sign of weakness. All the Pokédex Holders except for him and Blue grew up already loving, loving their families, their Pokémon, loving life itself.

Gold was raised in a house of sunshine and happiness. Silver was raised in a cold, silent, unforgiving place that he would never call home. Gold grew up brimming with joy and laughter. Silver grew up wallowing in fear, hate, and anger. This isn't meant to be.

It's too much. He can't handle this. How is he supposed to handle this?

Perhaps this is a dream. Yes, and how happy he'll be when he wakes up, because then he can go back to his normal, everyday life and he'll never have to confront the issue. As long as no one talks about it, then he'll be fine. As long as no one talks about it, Gold can continue on believing that it'll work out just fine and Silver won't have to burst his bubble. It'd be even better if Gold being in love with him was part of the dream, because then the bubble won't exist to begin with.

This isn't a dream. This world loves torturing him far too much to take pity on him and let it be a dream.

Gold and Silver are beyond incompatible. They are the collision of two opposing forces. They are two planets whose orbits mean they don't touch, or even go close to each other. They should've never come in contact. But they spun out of control and Silver got too near, ending up caught in Gold's gravity. And now he can't escape.

But Gold can.

He knows it'll hurt Gold more if he gets his hopes up, let him think there's a chance it might work out before everything collapses to pieces and the walls come down on their heads. He knows that telling Gold the truth will cause them to be drawn further away from their paths and Gold will only get hurt.

That can't happen. He can't let that happen. He can't let Gold suffer because of someone like him.

And the mercy within him that he didn't even know existed is rising in his throat. It tastes bitter, acidic, stinging his tongue with cold needles. He braces himself for the lie he's about to say.

"I don't love you."

Because Gold deserves so much more, a thousand times more than anything he can offer. Because Gold's heart is big as the universe and his is the size of a pebble. Because Gold is the sun and Silver's already trapped by his gravity, so all he can do is orbit around him.

But Gold ignores his response and grabs his thin arms. Silver flinches at his touch, at the jolt of electricity that runs through his veins. "How long has it been since you last ate?" he asks, examining them closely. "I can feel your bones."

"Leave," Silver says, his voice quiet and quivery and lacking any real force.

Gold doesn't move.

"Leave," he repeats, a little louder this time and a little surer than before. But it's not working.

"Leave!" he snarls, and grabs something off the bedside table to throw at him. He realizes too late, as time is already slowing, that it's the snow globe Gold gave him.

The only thing Gold ever gave him.

Gold freezes as the precious, precious object shatters on the wall behind him, watches as the shards of glass fall onto the floor. His eyes follow a single, shining fragment as it slips through the air and his hand reaches out almost involuntarily.

Then time starts again. His expression changes, his face falls, and he whispers, "I'm sorry." He leaves, shutting the door behind him.

Silver half expects Gold to stop, turn around, and come barging back in right up until the moment that the sound of his footsteps fade.

It isn't until long after he's certain Gold's gone that he lets the tears slide down his face. And he's heard that some people cry warm tears, but for him, even those are cold, cold, just what he deserves.

What people often forget about the real Little Mermaid is that she didn't actually live happily ever after, no, she turned to seafoam while her prince carried on obliviously with his new bride. But the real story wasn't kid-friendly, so Disney fixed it, cleaned up the ending, and the truth was lost. They should've kept the original version, since after all, life isn't rated E.

And in that way Silver is like her, the actual mermaid, not the fake, because he can't have a happy ending. It's been predetermined; it's unavoidable, no matter how much he wishes otherwise. He's too far gone into the world of evil to cross over to the realm of good. He reaches his fingers out and tries to touch the beckoning light, hoping that something might've changed and maybe now he can live in the brightness. But he can never be completely rid of the darkness. It's embedded too deeply down inside of him, intertwined with his roots.

Gold is an optimist. If he ever finds out Silver's real feelings, he'll insist on giving it a shot. He won't let Silver's thoughts on how it's all wrong get in the way, no matter how true they are, because the oblivious idiot will keep believing it's possible until the very last moment. And Silver won't have the heart to refuse him, even though he already knows what the end of that path looks like, because he wants it as well, and secretly he wishes he was brave enough to try.

It's better this way. At least now Gold won't be dragged down with him.

Silver would rather die cold and alone than have Gold cursed by his misfortune. Silver doesn't mind turning to foam if it means Gold gets his happy ending.

Still, it's okay for him to be sad about it, right?

_But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue._


End file.
